I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
