just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
