I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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