I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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