Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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