Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
