are you so shy because you have an std?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
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