Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
