his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize