You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
