I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
