Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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