I accidentally burped into my bong.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
