you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
