As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
