Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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