How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
