Only a mothe r could love this liver
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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