I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
