My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
