I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
