drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
