dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
false alarm, still single
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