i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
