I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
