I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
