Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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