im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
