You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
And then my night got REAL pukey
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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