This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
