Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
