I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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