you would pick up someone in the library
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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