You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
