the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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