i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
