He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Farmville is her only friend.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
