Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
the raccoons are back...
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