I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
