I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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