a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
