Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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