She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
