I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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