Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
