Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize