my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
