I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
