I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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