I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
